Being committed to attention
when attending feels unfamiliar
“We still are reticent to respect the night spiritually. We prefer to grow by day, thank you. We prefer faith in full sun. We prefer to see clearly, to know much, and to walk confidently into a well-lit future. But what if spiritual nights are also essential? What if avoiding the night is sabotaging the health of our souls? What if there is something we need in the night that cannot be found in the day?” Alicia Britt Chole
I grew up with a 'it's not okay not to be okay' mindset, with God and in my relationships, and those roots are DEEP. Sure, I was okay sharing my feelings, but I could never linger long in a negative, messy emotion. In that place I felt shame. Even as I enter my third decade of life, I'm still quick to bypass feelings of anger, sadness or discontentment and reach for acceptance, surrender and resolution. In the world of my heart and mind, these unwanted feelings aren't allowed. They aren’t comfortable and I worry God is disappointed in me.
Turns out, God is waiting for me in those moments. Turns out, He actually never turns away from me. Turns out, my honesty becomes a meeting place for me and God.
I heard someone say once that the Enemy isn’t so much after causing pain as he is causing distance.
In this journey of cultivating a strong muscle of attention to God, I’m finding it’s okay to rely on my commitment instead of my feelings.
Following is greater than figuring it all out.
When I’m angry, attending to God doesn’t feel natural because I feel guilty and selfish.
When I’m sad and disappointed, attending to God doesn’t feel okay because I’m not feeling grateful.
When I’m envious, attending to God doesn’t feel right because I’m feeling selfish.
My feelings will tell me attention is not possible because why would God want my worship when I’m angry, fearful or discontent?
My feelings will tell me that this situation — as strung out, distracted, messy or incomplete as it is — is not a place God wants to show me love, care and encouragement.
The commitment of attending to God is to bring myself to Him, at any moment, in any state, all the time. It’s letting God be God and me be me, meaning, I don’t project my assumptions and doubts onto Him.
I can be experiencing grief and He will be love, kindness and mercy.
I can be experiencing anger and He will be love, kindness and mercy.
I can be experiencing jealousy and He will be love, kindness and mercy.
Using Alicia’s language from the opening quote, I want to hide from God (as if I could) when my insides feel dark. I believe, wrongly, that He is only in the clear, well-lit, confident, peaceful places.
When attending to God feels unnatural, stay committed. Stay honest and open in your thoughts and prayers, no matter how frail they seem. It’s making sure you aren’t putting anything above the reality of God’s nature. It’s putting His beauty and glory before your eyes. This work of honesty before Him, of worship, even when you feel unsettled and broken down, is doing something powerful and profound.
He is your Shepherd. He is the Lion. May we be okay, at rest and peace, being the sheep, being the child.
Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels won’t, and all the powers of hell itself cannot keep God’s love away. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, or where we are—high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean—nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when he died for us.”
No action taken toward us or no feeling or struggle in us can separate us from His love. Meditate on that with me today. Let the love of God meet where you are. Show Him what you’re holding, what you’d rather hide. Do not be afraid of the dark. He is not afraid of being there with you. He’s not even worried about you being there. He has things to teach you there. He has care and support and hope to give you there.